The Dream Campaign

The Destruction of the Ancient Orange!

And so, upon the tides of time we are turned – yet again – to that retelling of past events that is so necessary and pertinent and yet so apathetic and phlegmatic a rotund expulsion of regurgitated fact as to be an almost prefect ramification of the ancient name Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.

Within and without that fact though, even if it weren’t in or out or between or whatever fourth possibility may exist in – perhaps of all places – the fourth – or possibly fifth – dimension which is – perhaps – not in our universe or any other, but may – perhaps – exist in some other, in-between sort-of place. That is to say – bother-dash I think a sentence may have been left hanging back there. Here, let me try, again.

And so, upon the tides of time we are turned – yet again – to that retelling of past events that is so necessary and pertinent and yet so apathetic and phlegmatic a rotund expulsion of regurgitated fact as to be an almost perfect ramification of the ancient name Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.

Within and without that fact though, even if it weren’t in or out or between or whatever fourth possibility may exist, there is still a hope – fleeting perhaps – of the innovative and the prodigiously inane.

And it is upon this that we must turn our retelling and not upon lies or slander or the hopeless Lego ambulations of a certain Dwarf.

The beginnings of our tale should be told not brutally or slyly but with gentle care and noble poise. And so I ask you to take upon yourself this poise, and let me guide your mind’s eye, not upon the dark or the foul, but the light and the airy.

Let me recapture the scene. Clouds rolling by the land on a gentle breeze. Light shining on clean things. The mysterious and anonymous words “We are looking for a Ritual Caster”. Mayhaps your eye lands upon a genie walking the street, mayhaps a gentle hog-tied hobgoblin held over the shoulder of a Satyr illusioned into man’s form.

There now, with scene in mind and mind’s eye cast, put it to yourself to understand that that man with hobgoblin over shoulder is non other than the brave and ever-steady Bravo of ancient family, who, it is said by some, in this imaginary land our mind’s eye sees now, was set upon a glorious quest to escort the majestic prophet Random D’Pomme into a certain church which can be found upon the map which was given to a mean lady by Elron in days past and in days past later to Bravo by Maze, the Mad God who shall arrive in our phlegmatic little narrative again – at a later time.

And upon this understanding being reached, throw your mind now into action, for events are to unfold now!

For as Bravo-in-our-mind’s eye steps down the road he reaches the Train, into which he contains himself. And now our mind’s eye sees Random and that wily man whose name is Wily engaged upon conversations ever-bold. And then they were off! Acquiring themselves a new position, this time upon the Mortal Realm rather than the Elemental Chaos. Still in the sky, they bespy themselves the city of Random’s desire.

But, alas! Upon the sky they decry the vehicle of their new desire, a flying craft of air and other physical-

Ahem, aho, aheee.

Skipping ahead now, we set ourselves a new scene! A city upon the ground, with men walking about! Now Jaylin Dororistimo meets a handsome old man who enjoys her pie.

Now he gives willful wily Wily a way into the – well, let me step back in time a bit here.

A new scene is set!

Within an apartment building in the city of Wroat a man was found who admittedly had betrayed Hallad the man who would have been King except for the Dravidian Empire!

This kindly old betrayer-man gave Wily a black book which allowed him to find other members of the resistance.

- the modern revolutionary warrior movement. So Wily went and joined them.

And a plan of action, a path of courage and bravery, was laid out in his mind. So he went, by portal, into the very heart of the Dravidian Empire!

Meanwhile Random took Bravo and Jaylin through a portal and into the great church where he was destined to be.

And then he espied a DEMONIC STATUE OF ORANGES! So, taking up his blade. Imagine it now, gentle reader, use your eyeball that is within your mind, take the image into yourself and subject every corner of your indecent facile little minds to its majesty.

THROW YOURSELF INTO IT WITH EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE!

Random, standing there, majestic and proud, his sword shining in the morning light. Ahem. Yeah, stuff. Anyway.

BEINGS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ENTERED IN THROUGH THE PORTALISH HOLE THAT HAD BEEN OPENED BY THE DESTRUCTION OF THE SACRILEGIOUS STATUE.

Now the world shook and violence was gotten to!

SO

Random ran to the place he once called home, the goblin camp where he was once enslaved (or some place that looked like it) where so he acquired worshipers, before running further from the oncoming storm of badness. The Fey Courts then were acquired as the new locality as he searched for rescue from the oncoming storm !

And he thought of a plan.

Jaylin and Bravo leaped through a portal and into the heart of the Dravidian empire, to find out how the last invasion of this sort was beaten off. They were immediately acquired with shackles by a Dravidian prison which also had Wily and Thoradin within its manifest!

Then some man who might be the ruler of the Dravidian Empire and as such might be named Dravid, went and set up our beshackled imaginary friends a tournament of DOOOMMM

Where they achieved victory against a group of aberrant foes, clearly proving that they are ready and willing to betray the aberrant evil that stalks the land and destroy it, even if that destruction means working with the Dravidian Empire!

UNLESS IT WAS ALL A HUGE SUBTERFUGIOUS LIE.

Around which time Bravo made a deal with the man who might be a king and might also be named Dravid to ban the killing of Chickens. Though it seemed as though Dravid could not be readily relied upon upon this point.

SO Wily acquired backness to the place where the rebellious people were – but not he handsome man of Jaylin’s desire – and then he gifted upon them the knowledge of things that had passed and plans for the future.

Then into the mind of Bravo were set certain facts that did not much suit his mind by a man named Zubaba.

Zubaba claimed that Maze the mad god (whom I told you we would get back to) ’s mind is infested with aberrant things, and that Maze has as a consequence become evil. Bravo explained that this was patently false, as any fool could see. But evidently Zubaba was not a fool, so he could not see. The blindness of intelligence clouded his eyes.

Zubaba also set up us a plan of action:

Using the Codex of Infinite Planes to seal the locus of the Far Realm.

To do which he set upon our minds the location of an ancient resting place of the Codex. Then he impinged upon our minds again to say that we should find a way to survive with that Far off Realm called the Far Realm because it is far.

And now, without need of haste, or waste, or maces, the end is now needed to be set upon, and so I say to you:

Ksolok Bodik Mai!

Laran kontenti tebes atu hasoru malu ho ita.

Lorokraik diak.

Ita hatene koalia lian Tetum?

Deskulpa!

Lian ida deit la to’o.

Lao didiak!

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OF THE ACQUISITION OF PILLOWS

AND THE PILLOW THIEF ESCAPED.

AND THEN WE SLEW THE GUARDS UPON THE GROUND OF THE SKY.

AND WE FOUND THE PILLOWS IN THE PLACE WHERE THEY WERE AND WITH THEM A MAN.

AND FROM THE MAN SOULS WERE GOT AND FROM THE SOULS RETURNING TO THE MAN, PILLOWS WERE GOT.

AND SO IT ENDS, OUR HEADS RESTING UPON SOME PILLOWS WHICH WERE IN SOME CASES NOT THOSE WHICH OUR LIVES AND THE SOULS OF OUR LOVED ONES WERE PUT UPON THE TABLE FOR, BUT THEIR BROTHERS OF LESSER ILK THAN THEY.

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In which we battle the pillow thief!

Tethys was possessed by the spirit of a Kenku in the city of Windyheights!

She gathers together Bravo and Lan and Jaylin and some dude who might’ve been named Shingles but probably wasn’t in a conference room with a round table.

Then she sets up them the plan of action: to wit: to engage in thievery of pillows in the place where Asiago keeps his impressive pillows.

Such activity was decided to be engaged upon so Bravo lit something on fire, then everyone went into a casino and Bravo got kicked out because he SPOKE WORDS, then other people did other things and eventually joined him.

Then we met in another conference room that Bravo hadn’t lit on fire yet and some people probably said some stuff, then probably not Shingles died. Then Bravo was sent out to mark ALL THE WALLS OF THE CITY with the words “We are looking for a Ritual Caster”.

Meanwhile other people went and did other stuff.

Then Carl’s computer started working so Bravo suddenly realized his tablet had things it wanted him to do, so he went and bought a 10 gold piece rod that is TEN TIMES THE SIZE of a normal rod. Then he found a homeless man and gave him 12 gold pieces, then he needed to adopt a hobgoblin so he want to Random and Random summoned a hobgoblin who Bravo adopted.

Then the hobgoblin misbehaved so Bravo knocked it unconscious for its misbehavior and started carrying it around and tried to tie it up. Then Bravo presumptively succeeded in buying a cravat.

Meanwhile everyone else was talking to a large man about Sphinxes for some reason.

Then the others found Bravo and everyone went to a casino or castle or some place and found themselves in a locked room with an open window so they went out into a place that has PLANTS and a homeless pillow thief so they engaged HIM in combat because he was trying to steal INNOCENT PILLOWS.

Nunc finis fabulae (that means END OF THE STORY FOR NOW in Latin, though note that the finis is pronounced like fEE-nis not fin’is)

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The R that Stands for RANDOM, dun da dun da daa

IN THE DARK MAZE OF MAZE Bravo received a tablet and was told by Maze to follow the rules that it will give him each day instead of his FAMILY RULES.

Then Bravo went off post-hastily until he found a GIANT APPLE in the sea and then he met an old lady named Jaylin Dororistimo, Saint of Apple something something.

Jayiln joined with Bravo and then Bravo found Random D’Pomme in the Applish domain and Then Random joined in the EPIC JOURNEY TO SAVE THE MORTAL WORLD’S SOULS!

The partishousness left the Janna II in the Applish domain and went on to the place where the Feywild was lost from being located in.

Then another ship came about with a Dwarf named SOMETHING SOMETHING or Lan aboard her and then some devils or demons or something and then battle was engaged upon and victory was found as one might have come to expect and then we were CAST BY OURSELVES THROUGH THE WORMHOLE into a land of plentiful feyness.

Then we thought to follow in the steps of Willy, and, in order to find him, we thought to find GOWRON OF THE GOLDEN BEARD.

We went to find him in the court land of the fey peoples and we found there a necessity of locating his himness. Fortunately Jaylin thought to ask a person who had previously discussed information with Bravo and Tethys when they were searching for someone and she found out information about directions to his location and we found him in his location and we talked to him.

He seemed impressed with Random.

Then we went on and about to the place where Wily was by FLYING PUMPKIN except he wasn’t there anymore so we had to move on to the place where he was now so Random put up us a portal into which we put ourselves up through, and we came out into the land of waterousness.

Then we found Wily who tried to run Random over but was prevented by a GIANT APPLE.

Then we went onwards until we found some FOMES! Who were really actually watery gnomes. They gave us a GIANT EGG that might’ve been the egg of a GIANT TURTLE.

But now we must hold onto ourselves and tell the story of how Willy came to be upon the place where we were.

Willy was in the domain of bane (ha-ha, get it? aaaah). He met a general who promised to outdo the promises of someone else… Possibly General Chang. I could’ve been paying more attention here.

He promised Mammoths, things riding boars, giants, dragons with gold saddles & diamond bars everywhere, and a dragon named Tony.

Then Wily visited the Archfey of Flowers, the Rose King, and discussed matters with him and some nerd. They talked about a giant portal or something.

NOW YOU’RE ALL UP TO DATE, BACK TO THE STORY OF BRAVO THE BRAVE.

Then we met Blibdoolpoolp and we fought with her friendlily and then we went on to a place in the sky somehow for some reason.

Then Bravo drank 12 coffees and became super hyper until they wore out and then he became much less hyper.

During this time he purchased a flying airship though!

Then our adventurers came to the city of Windyheights where everyone gave in to their vices, gambling, bingo, and napping.

Wily gambled against a jinn named Asiago.

And Bravo found a man named Seniore H who can make ships fly. Then one of Lan’s henchmen turned into a one armed stone chair so that Bravo could rest from the aftereffects of the coffees.

ALSO!

The most important things that happened were that Random left a trail of apple-ships with messages about the church of apples all along the way. And he snuck copies of the scripture onto most people he met (Gowron, Lan, Bravo) and brainwashed a lot of people (the Fomes, Doggy, a Kraken in the Elemental Chaos, some gnomes who are in the train for some reason, presumably Moses, various people in each city we visited, except the Fey Courts I guess cause he was busy).

Then everyone gave in to the sleepy sleepies.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF… RANDOM SAVES PEOPLE FROM NOT EATING APPLES!

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In which Bravo becomes Princess Bithia

We slew a giant crow creature, and met TF the Assassin (Nick).

We found a naked gnome in a fancy box. He screams a lot. Thoradin tied him up and started carrying him around (it latter turned out that his screaming was some sort of language… I guess).

We met an old man who asked us a riddle. He offered Bravo a job and Bravo accepted but needed to talk to Maze first.

We found a room with lots of holes in a wall that has dart holes in another wall. A progressively greater number of skeletons kept appearing and attacking us between each attempt to solve the puzzle of the room. Eventually we solved the room and got out of it.

We eventually found Maze in a room at the top of the tower with Zanne.

Maze told Bravo how the universe came to be:

  • The primal energy was the origin of primordial and deities
  • the primal energy is the prime mover that he has been searching for
  • when Bravo asked where he could find primal energy Maze said ‘maybe the void
  • then when Bravo asked how to get to the void Maze said he should worship chickens

When Bravo asked if he will help with the war against the mortal realm

  • bring the prophet (Random) to the great church
  • then when we touch the idol on the alter, aid will come
  • some call the great church the original church, it’s on Zanne’s map

Bravo ate a plant from the lost garden of the gnomes (Maze gave it to him) and:

  • learned the secret language of the gnomes
  • from now on gnomes think that he’s actually just a giant gnome

Maze made Bravo’s Dragon Snapdragon golden:

  • Bravo instantly gains the respect of all hat makers he ever encounters

Bravo bought the gnome kid from Thoradin for 6 platinum pieces and then was able to talk to him and gave him a hat and some clothes. The gnome kid calls Bravo his father. He is 9 years old, he didn’t have a name so I named him Moses.

Maze commanded Thoradin to obey Zanne’s commands, know his place, and respect his companions.

Thoradin asked Maze to trade his life for Zanne’s life (like, trade his life so that Maze would kill Zanne).
Maze said that he liked Zanne and that if Thoradin kills her he will “torment your soul for the rest of eternity”

Thoradin turns, yells “Worth it!” slammed his hammer into Zanne’s face. She died, Maze turned Thoradin into a scarecrow and put him in a room full of crows who are worshiping a giant crow statue. The crows peck out his eyes and torture him, and each day he is restored to be tortured again.

Maze also took Thoradin’s possessions (which presumably includes the Rusty Fork).

[the scarecrow earlier found this room and got pulled out of it. He will spend the rest of time searching for it again.]

Bravo talked with Maze for ten days and ten nights.

During which Bravo taught Moses the family rules.

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In the District of Madness

As synostotical bones are fated to be together, our adventurers were joined by a scarecrow as they arrived at Maze’s domain.

We slay a group of those squid head guys.

After entering they find a room with a giant Ruby!

The undelayable scarecrow grabs it, but in doing so he triggers a trap!

Working together, the meanie lady (Zanne), Thoradin, and Bravo eventually manage to deactivate the trap!

Do not cry, your hankey need not be used, for though this story ends here, soon there will be another story to be told of the deeds of our slapdashering “heroes”!

Fin.

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The Promises of General Chang and the Knowledge of Elron

In the Astral Domain of Jorjy

We discuss things with a soul thingy in Jorjy’s icy palace.

Then we meet General Chang in a tactical room, looking over a map of the Fey. We (Wily) asked him for aid in the coming war. Chang promises, soldiers, icy dragons, precisely controlled snow storms.

He reveals the existence of various islands surrounding the continent on which the Dravidian Empire is based.

some stuff we learned

  • There is a kingdom in the deserts of someplace that learned to fight by using the sand.
  • The South Western island is mostly tribal, but is very close to the main continent.

Our plan:

  • A two pronged assault, from the Mournlands in the south east and then mountains in the north west (from which we will conquer the river to forge a foothold).

Wily then promises to get back to Chang with more information soon.

Change then promises to muster a million troops to bring to the cause. Between different planes, demons, devils. Including hundreds of dragons.

Chang then gave us some information on how to locate Elron.

Bravo collected some ordinary flowers from the Astral Domain, but could not take its special flowers. He also tried to talk to the gnomes who were there and asked them about the Lost Garden of the Gnomes. The Gnomes did not want to tell Bravo about their garden, they questioned his right to ask about it and generally were not happy with him.

Then we hunted polar bears! And convinced one to come with us by beating it up until it surrendered (Tethys is training it to do stuff).

Then we ship off, and then run into an abyssal storm where we run into a Githyanki ship.

Then we find the way to the center of the storm and find Elron, and then we fight a Beholder who was following us.

There’s a very important temple in the mortal realm, Elron gave meanie lady (Zanne) a map with a red mark showing the location of the temple.

He told her that If she breaks the icon that is located there, it should break most of the divine flow in the mortal realm. Thanatos is likely to just like walk through.

We start heading off to visit Thanatos, but then consider visiting Maze instead.

We end up splitting up into two groups, Thoradin, meanie lady, and Captain Bravo head off in the Jenny 2. While Tethys, Wily, and the Polar Bear head off to Thanatos.

And we head off into the sunset.

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DRAGON SNAPDRAGON GET!!!

We arrive in the Fey Courts.

Wily goes to meet the vampire lord Vger. He asks for information about the Mournlands. [Something about the book of vile darkness]. Turns out a man named Elron has the book.

Wily visited Gowron of the Gifted Beard, a noted wizard man. He’s a dwarf with a gold beard. Gowron figured out that Elron is standing near the Crystal Spire’s… [reflection?] on the Astral Sea.

Graf Aubfbn? Auburn? Aubryn?

Bravo hung out with the gnomes in the Fey Courts for awhile, and bought two plants, one Dragony Snap Dragon plant (that he’s wearing as a hat) and one that played violin music. He intends to give them to the Rose King. He was drunk-ish at the time.

Bravo discovered that the Lost Garden Gnomes is not a type of gnome but rather is the gnomes’ Lost Garden. According to some lady in the Fey Courts.

We got on the Astral Skiff of Captain Graf. While sailing through the Astral Sea we were set upon by Qalm raiders [or some such thing].

A devil appeared who had apparently forged a contract with Captain Graf. During the raid some of the stuff the goods the ship was transporting were damaged. We held a discussion with the devil and convinced him to leave Captain Graf his ship and his soul.

Then we immediately regretted the decision cause he’s a poo-poo head.

Then we arrived in some city located near the Nine Hells, which is run by a devil. The devil was very impolite to Bravo when he wanted to take clippings of the nine flowers that grew there.

Wily purchased a Astral Skiff with various modifications and stuff.

We then went to the Astral Domain of Jorjy. We were walking up to Jorjy’s palace as…

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Battle Royale in the Rose King's Palace Royale!

Wily/Thoradin/Bravo/Zanne (meanie lady) woke up in the Rose King‘s palace’s lounge room that had TORTURE CUSHIONS in it. When suddenly they were attacked by foes!

The foes had symbols proving that they were servants of Bane!

loot from the battle with the snake head ladies
7 +3 cloth armor
6 +3 short swords
4 +3 rods

We fought a powerful servant of Bane on the Rose King’s roof, he said he was testing us and after battling for awhile he left saying we had passed the test.

The Rose King then gave us a gift of gold, he promised us six thousand soldiers for the war against the Dravidian Empire (giving us a total of ten thousand troops), he gave us information on several vampires in the Fey Courts so we can try to talk to the Vampires in the mortal realm (in the Mournlands specifically).

We then went to the Fey Court.

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The Dream-Apologue

Bravo (Carl), Wily (Alberto), Tethys (Alberto), Thoradin (Bryan), and Zanne (Lewis) where within the walls of the Archfey of Roses, when suddenly they fell to napping and to them in their slumber came a apologue to teach them to eschew evil ways!




Zanne (Lewis) Carl-or
Bravo (Carl) Mesothorium Stage (Mr. Stage)
Wily (Alberto) Boba
Thoradin (Bryan) Elise
? (Nicholas) Hans the lusty hunchback
? (Sergio) Viktor

This apological tale of the vile wickedness of halflings starts in a large room where a large number of wizards were meeting for a big wizard party-convention-thing.

Mr. Stage saw the need for his talents and immediately attempted to improve the party with song and dance. The crowd did not seem to appreciate his music that he played on a shoe that he got somewhere somehow.

Meanwhile Boba was attempting to discover how they had arrived at the party. For almost no one in the room had any memory of how they got there. He found that an Archmage who was present in the room was responsible for calling them there, the Archmage said that it was his wish that wizards would work together and learn more things through the application of teamwork!

Then a number of halflings walked into the room (the exact number of them is known to be more than zero but otherwise it is not certainly known) and began celebrating the incoming presence of the wonderful bear Bob the Smiley Bear!

The halflings only needed someone to take an invitation the bear so that he could attend the convention, oh, those flagitious halflings. Terrible creatures are they! Liars and scoundrels and mongrels! Let this moral story be a lesson to any race that reads this, follow not the example of halflings for they are wretches!

And from there of course Mr. Stage volunteered to go and invite the bear. Various other people followed him for unknown reasons (Carlor, Bobba, Viktor, Elise).

It should be carefully noted that Viktor said beep boop a lot. Pay attention dear reader, this is important!

Mr. Stage and the strange group of people following him then arrived at the house, some goblins attempted to belay their progress but were in their purpose prevented by application of manly aplomb (which is the basic law of ballet).

Mr. Stage knocked on Bob’s door, but, Bob was taking a nap, so he took awhile to respond. In the meantime the ruffians who had been following Mr. Stage engaged in a fight with some other goblins who were about.

When Bob finally did respond, he dismissed the invitation out of hand, though he was pleasant enough. At which point Carlor killed him.

Needless to say, Mr. Stage was severely disappointed with the way this day was going. He went outside the hut and decided to wait for the ruffians to come out so they could follow him back to the convention (couldn’t let them get lost, they were clearly child-like in mentality). While he waited, Carlor went to explore the upstairs of Bob’s house (which was a windmill). There he found a young lady and a bear, he attacked the bear and it ate him.

When Boba realized what had happened he called Mr. Stage upstairs to talk to the bear, Mr. Stage did so, and extended the invitation to this bear (whose name was never learned). This bear accepted the invitation.

Along the way there were more goblins attempting to slow Mr. Stage’s progress back to the town. At this point it must be clear to you, dear reader, as it is to me, that the goblins were worshiping some evil god of slowness. These goblins were prevented in their religious routine through skillful ballet just like the others though.

On the way back to the wizarding party, Boba stopped at some halfling’s house and informed him of what had gone on. It turned out that the young lady who had been saved from the goblins had been sold to them by the vile and evil halflings. After which discovery the ruffians destroyed the entire town.

So you see, esteemed readers, there is no good to be had in evil deeds, they always result in the utter destruction of your entire city, and the despoliation of all your goods.

During these events, Tethys was following the exploits of a butterfly who rode on a brave squirrel (who Bolly was following) as they went off and adventured themselves off on their own adventures.

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